2-12-12 BG Toda…

2-12-12 BG Today is (hopefully) my last whole day in the hospital. I got here 12 days ago…for acute bronchitis and asthma. I just got off the phone with my daughter and had to step into the bathroom to cry for a while. It has happened. I knew in some sick corner of me , that it would happen….and yet still I hoped that I could believe her words and quick hugs. I’m not angry. I suppose it’s a kick in the gut that I deserve…If I was “too busy” for her…then why should she not be too busy for me in return? And face it; those days of laughing, spewing mouthfuls of donuts or hot chocolate; buying eyeshadows; dragging her to some sale or other…those days are gone and will not return. I’m old. Fat. Too damn crazy to be much fun for anyone. But you know what? I WILL NOT BECOME A JUDY. I will not live and breath depending on whether some careless grandchild stops over or not. I will not wrap myself in bitterness or longing for a marriage which is gone and maybe never even was. So if I’m not all that If I refuse to be all that; then what can I do/be? I feel it. The sucking swamp edges of despair….lapping on the beaches of my mind, slapping their onerous message :[[ you cannot win this. There is no escape.]] If I could live anywhere, where would I live? In a town, large enough to have everything I want or need and small enough to be pretty. Must have public transportation. I would have an apartment….with good closets and a large kitchen. I would have a circle of friends…Not just old friends who too, are waiting to die. But young friends. Friends who go to farmer’s markets…and thrift stores….Friends like Becky. I would sometimes have sleep overs. Feet tucked warm into flannel gowns, doing each others’ nails and cooking a new recipe. Making whole grain waffles and fruit for breakfast the next day. I would belong to committees—art associations. Help for the homeless. Pregnancy Center. I would join a gym and would walk outdoors everyday. I would also garden. You seee…. ?A paragraph of dreams. Dreams that are like Whipped Cream…soft, sweet and light on the tongue for a second….and leaving you suddenly wondering where it has gone. [[ You cannot win this. There is no escape. ]]