The Tearing

Posted in Uncategorized on September 22, 2018 by lunamosity

This morning, I thought of this blog….I’ve been busy  over at my other blog (178,000+ visitors) and have all but forgotten this blog…I read a few posts this morning…being struck by the disparity between the “Me” of 2009 and the “Me:” of 2016. (when I last posted)….God  had brought me along quite a journey.  Sometimes I feel like my life has been spent walking in circles and that I have achieved almost nothing. It is true that i have not had great honors, great authority, great fame, or great accomplishments—no, scratch that. I HAVE had great accomplishments! I am daily taking charge of the worst mental illness a person can have.  I still have symptoms but they do not master me. I daily face the kind of pain that would send most people looking for a shot gun.  I have written and published a book telling a fraction of my story.  I have come from a place of real questioning about what kind of  a God is in heaven and do I, will I, trust him—to a place of faith, love and belief.  I have seen God do the miraculous OFTEN and often on my behalf.  I have come from a place of angry discontent to a place of quiet gratitude for the blessings God has given me.

There is a lady in my church who has had a vision for me or of me….speaking to crowds.  While that is flattering, it is also terrifying and completely unappealing.  I would rather write at my own pace, when the spirit moves me, to a faceless audience online…and when someone steps out from the crowd and reaches out to me…it delights me and fills me with a sense of purpose….of calling.   Recently that has happened to me and while she is younger than I, we have rapidly become better than friends. We are soul mates. There are SO MANY similarities in our stories and in our interests and backgrounds that it is amazing. It is GOD.

Anyway.  That’s the kind of fame I have and the kind of fame I want.

My mom died two years ago in October.

I know that is  a random statement and very badly placed.  But I was just struck once again, by that sense of loss that has been my nemesis for the past two years. I KNOW it’s been two years…and shouldn’t I really have had the understanding by now, that she is gone and I will not see her until i’m in Heaven ? There are so many things I wish I’d talked to her about.  Things she could have explained to me.  Things I wanted to apologize for.  Things I wish I knew about her.   A person leaves, carried by the angels away, out of our lives forever; and there is  a great tear in the fabric of our lives where their life was woven into ours and was pulled away leaving  a gaping hole.  It must be patched.  And we must accept–even if we are not satisfied–that the patch is our reality now and it is all we have and all we will have until these bodies are resurrected once and for all.

My Dad has his patch…and has moved on.   I have not yet gotten rid of the rent in the fabric of my life.  I don’t know what that patch will look like for me.  Maybe it is the comfort of God.  Maybe I will not have another person to fit the bill but maybe just an understanding with God that this must be as it is….and I’d best accept his Peace offering and move on.  A person cannot live in the hole left by a bomb which was dropped on their house.  They must rebuild or move on.  So, too, must I.

And I will end here….for now….because for this moment, that is all i have to say.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hop-along Cassidy

Posted in Uncategorized on October 7, 2016 by lunamosity

hi friends

I know I am posting really erratically ….really infrequently. I sometimes consider ending the blog once and for all but really, I am attached to it.  And it is nice to have a place to write where family will not pry into.  It gives me the ability to write freely; uncensored.

On July 6th I had a major surgery on my left ankle.  I have Psoriatic Arthritis  (PsA) which is a relatively rare disease that is similar to Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I’ve had both hips replaced (my left one six times), my right shoulder replaced (the left one needs to be done as it is bone on bone, and now my left ankle is fused.  The right one also needs to be done however this has been so difficult and long of a recovery –without a guarantee of lessening the pain I’m in, that I am loathe to go through it again.  My ankle joints are destroyed by the PsA. My elbows, wrists, hands and spine are also rapidly worsening despite the plethora of biologic medications that the doctors have tried me on.  After Stelara (which I am now taking) there is only one more possible drug for me to try….and the meds only work for limited time….eventually there is a need to try a different one.

Anyway.

I had my surgery and then went into a nursing home/rehab facility for 60 days. Then, since I’ve been home I have been largely house bound, only  going out for essential MD appointments.  My deck has six steep stairs which I’ve been unable to navigate and have had to call the fire dept. to come and assist me up the stairs.  I should be in my wheelchair now, however my house is too small; doorways and hallways too narrow for that.  So instead I’m on a knee walker which is similar to a scooter except you kneel on it with your bad leg and propel yourself with the other.  I HATE this thing.  Yes it has helped me to stay off my feet, but it has REALLY hampered my mobility and the accessibility of my belongings and activities.  It makes me short of breath and it takes all my strength to get from my bedroom to the kitchen and back (with a rest in between).

My husband has alternated between being helpful and being just downright mean.  Just when I think I hate him he will do something sweet and I forgive him. My case manager is really pushing for me to find alternate living arrangements–without him.  Seems like for my whole marriage people have been trying to talk me into leaving. Maybe someday I will have the courage to do that.  The waiting list for apartments for disabled people is a couple of years long, as is the list for housing funding.  And there is the question of whether or not I’m able to manage by myself in an apartment.  I would definitely need an aide which will be available to me while on medicare and Medicaid.  So that would probably work out to be less of a strain than it is for me to live here with only sporadic help by family.

I’m sorry –this post has been a housekeeping article, getting you up to speed about my circumstances….it has little depth or insight or pondering.  I will try to come back maybe tomorrow …and write some more.

Vaya con dios.