It seems like all I write about (mostly on my other blog) is the theology of suffering and also about my experiences with it. Am I more than pain?
Thursday I had “words” with my husband because I dared to ask him for a ride to a surgeon so that I could get treated for my ankles, which are bone on bone and so painful that I am loathe to even walk to the kitchen. I need to have them fused—but that can’t happen until I get to the surgeon’s office. None of my friends have responded to my pleas for help. So I summoned my courage and asked my husband.
The floodgates of ire and resentment opened and he finished up by saying that I belong in Assisted Living. He has said this to me many times–but this time I wondered: ‘Is he right?’ Fast forward to Friday. I went to visit my mom in the nursing facility where she is currently following a close encounter with death and months in the hospital. My mom told me during that visit that I need to be in Assisted Living because no one in my family will take care of me. And while that is true, a deep dark gloom settled over me.
Part of my feelings were fear because I know that there is no way for us to afford this and there is no way for me to get government funding (like Medicaid) is for my husband and I to divorce–and while that makes him do the “Happy Dance,” it is a deep, deep sadness to me.
So on Saturday morning I went online to research what kind of facilities are out there. It was kind of dead end…except I found a checklist to determine whether or not it is “time” to go to a nursing home or assisted living. I can’t find the one now that I was looking at but below are similar checklists…I found something like 9 out of 10 of the categories I “failed”…This was an eyeopener and quite scary. I put my phone number down and almost immediately, (early Saturday morning) I received two calls. One of the organizations said they could not help me because I’m under 55. The other one asked me how I would feel to be living around elderly people. But this lady did email me a great informative link to determine expenses and what kind of help is available from gov’t and private sources. And there was something else in there about people under 55.
After all this a thick dark gloom fell on me. I went through the day heavy with the knowledge a my life is going to change–and not in a manner I would choose. And also came the realization that this is not going to be an instant or easy transition. There’s divorce, applying for gov’t medical benefits, going through my home and deciding what to keep and what to leave and what to get rid of., setting up funding and finally choosing and applying to a facility.
And my response? The ostrich stuck his head back in the sand and I pulled the covers up over my head and pretended that nothing has changed.
Here are some of the checklists: